White House Plumbing in Disarray

In what is being referred to as Watergate 2.0 – A Real Shit Storm maintenance staff at the White House are reporting serious issues in the nation’s highest restrooms. “It’s happening just about everyday now,” commented Senior Adviser on White House Plumbing, Len Ploudry. “Some idiot keeps shoving things down the john, flushing 10 or 15 times, and clogging up the whole damn works. I’m on call 24/7 trying to deal with this mess. Its exhausting. I haven’t seen my family in 3 weeks. My wife is threatening to divorce me. My kids barely recognize me. But what am I supposed to do? When your nation asks you to serve, you serve. It’s just the way I was raised.”

Mr. Ploudry went on to explain that he comes from a long line of DC handy folks. His mother, Lillith Ploudry, was Deputy Advisor to the House Speaker on Linens for State Functions during the first Bush administration and the first woman to hold the position. His great-great-grandad Verner Ploudry served as Clerk to the Senate Majority Leader on Humidors and Spittoons way back during the Garfield administration. “What can I say? It’s in the blood,” quipped Mr. Ploudry.

An artist’s conception of the presidential throne.

Numerous items have caused the backups reported Sheila Juldeen, Assistant White House Spokesperson on Personal Presidential Regulatory Issues. “So far we’ve found all kinds of stuff stuck down Commode 1. Meeting notes, tax returns, the NY Times, several copies of the constitution, a complete set of the federal legal code. It’s quite the cornucopia. We have yet to identify the person or person’s responsible but we believe we are closing in on those responsible.”

The clog’s epicenter appears to be near the Oval office, investigators report. “Not many people have access to these rooms. Who might be infiltrating and sabotaging these highly secure facilities is a mystery worthy of a Nicolas Cage film,” explained a clearly frustrated investigator. One clue puzzling the team is that the backups are almost nonexistent on the weekend. White House officials request that anyone with information that could help lead to the identification and eventual capture of the culprit or culprits contact the White House immediately. “Do your duty,” says Ms. Juldeen. “If you smell something, say something.”

White House staff initially responded to the attacks by circulating several memos on proper toilet use protocols.  The memos have apparently only increased the attacks with many having been found amongst the detritus causing blockages. Consequently, no further memos will be issued at this time. “We will certainly update the nation with any developments,” concluded a plunger wielding Ms. Juldeen as she rushed from the room to deal with the latest overflow.

Tension in the presidential residence is at an all time high, sources say with The President and First Lady barely on speaking terms. The President’s and First Lady’s son, who shall remain nameless to avoid offending presidential supporters poised to get offended by just about anything, has taken to using the personal bathroom of Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell. The first son’s spokesperson, Rhonda Crawley, spoke to reporters during a recent visit to the Senate Chambers. “The first young man is happy to do his part and take his morning constitutional in the Capitol building.  He understands that we all have to make sacrifices during this time of struggle.”