Archive for September, 2011

Canada to Build Arctic Air Pipeline to US

Northern Territories Look Forward to New Export Market, Jobs

Frosty the air bear

Minister Kent meets with Frosty Air Bear to discuss promotion of the new campaign, "Let Canada freeze your bare ass off." Fun fact: People from northern Canada have no asses.

Environment Canada and International Trade Canada have announced the construction of a pipeline to bring cool arctic air to overheated cities and towns in the US. The plan is the latest in a series of initiatives to sustainably exploit Canada’s natural resources. The hope is to spur economic growth in the low employment northern territories, while continuing the nation’s commitment to reducing its carbon footprint. Minister of the Environment, The Honourable* Peter Kent, met with reporters to announce the plan. (*Canadian spelling)

Angray Baird

"That's just the stupidest idea I have ever heard," counters former Minister of the Environment, John Baird. Fun fact: MP Baird looks like this all the time. When he is shouting his mouth covers his entire face.

“If Canada has a lot of anything, it’s cold arctic air. Why not sell it?,” the minister queried. “We have a long tradition of exporting commodities to the world. When the world needs basic stuff, who do they call? 1-800-Canada, that’s who. You want lumber? We got lumber. You want oil, natural gas, minerals. No problem. Need some poutine? Maybe some beaver tails? Just say the word cause we are open 24/7 and we do takeout. Soon you will be able to add a cool blast of arctic air to your shopping list.”

Responding to criticism that the plan might cause irreversible damage to the environment, or even worse, the exceedingly long hockey season, Minister Kent replied, “Look. This is our big chance to make up for the Athabasca tar sands. I, for one, am going to take it. We can sell our oil to the US to power their AC units and pump more CO2 into the atmosphere, or a much better plan, I think we all can agree, is to sell them nice, fresh, 100% natural, cool arctic air. Who could be against a cool breeze on a hot summer day? That is, other than my distinguished liberal, pansy ass, colleagues.”

Harper

Prime Minster Harper whips a snowball at an opponent during a particularly heated Parliamentary debate. In case you didn't know, Stephen Harper is Prime Minister of Canada. Remember Canada? Fun fact: Parliamentary debates are generally more lively, and physical, than debates in the US Congress where MPs (Members of Parliament*) regularly suffer tooth loss and chainsaw injuries during budget hearings. *Parliament is like Congress, only harder to spell.

The route of the pipeline is yet to be determined but is generally expected to start in the north and move southwards to the US/Canadian border. There it will cross the border after undergoing a stringent examination by border guards and continue onward into the nation’s heartland. It is expected to branch off to bring its refreshing vapors to the most air conditioning intensive areas of the US. Cities such as Detroit, which can always use a little cooling off, and Chicago, meat packer for the world, are considered the principal initial markets. The more southern, too freakin’ hot for words, cities will be brought on-line as the pipeline penetrates deeper into the nation’s mid section. With the recent heat wave still fresh in the minds of midwesterners, regulatory approval is expected with little opposition from the average citizen.

Air conditioning companies however are reportedly planning to file legal challenges with the World Trade Organization. They complain that, in the words of Chet Whilkson, spokesman for the heating and air conditioning trade group HVAC America, “those socialist fucks in Canada are planning to dump cold, government subsidized, air into the US. This is a clear violation of the North American free trade agreement (NAFTA to its friends).” Echoing the words of one of the more colorful past candidates for the US presidency, Ross Perot, Mr. Whilkson observed. “Build that pipeline and you will feel a great whooshing as American workers get blown by Canada. Sure it may feel good for a while. But when it’s over, all we’ll be left with is a flaccid economy that just wants to doze off.”

Map of Canada

Fun facts: Canada is the second largest country by land area and has the ninth largest economy in the world yet most Americans can't point it out on a map. Though its right next door, and the US's biggest trading partner, few Americans can name the Prime Minister, or a team in the Canadian football league. It is unclear how many even know that there is a Canadian Football league. Respected the world around for a strong stable banking system and the lowest debt to GDP ratio in the G8, Canada was somehow recently voted, despite its overabundance of cold areas, one of the least cool places to live. Still it is the home to a number of well-known celebrities thought to be American. At least by Americans. How many can you name?

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