Archive for category Business and Finance

Greece Rejects Austerity – Plans Bake Sale

Cradle of Democracy Sees Support for Reality Wane

Fraulein Merkel

German Chancellor Angela Merkel moments before she flipped "das birdie" at the Greek citizenry. "Listen here you little shit of a country. Two thousand years ago you were important. These days you are a boil on the ass of Europe. You have pushed me to the edge. I am about ready to call in the diplomatic surgeons and have you lanced. Are you listening to me? Look at me when I'm talking to you, damn it."

Greeks continued protests this week over an austerity plan agreed to by European leaders designed to deal with the Mediterranean nation’s dire financial situation. A planned referendum to measure support for the plan appears to have been scrapped after markets reacted negatively to the announcement. European leaders weren’t too happy about the vote either. “Achtung Herr Papandreou,” exclaimed German Chancellor Angela Merkel through an interpreter. “Are you out of your grape leaf eating mind? I stayed up all night working on a plan to fix this mess you’ve created and now you pull this? Well listen up, Oedipus. I am certainly not your mother but I am pretty damned pissed and would take great pleasure in poking out your squinty little eyes right about now. We’re trying to save your ass here. Because apparently you don’t have the olive pits to do it yourself. So throw us a freakin’ goat bone why don’t ya?”

Kickin some police booty

Nicholas Andreou, Greek protestor, and fan of Bruce Lee, uses a karate kick against an attacking defender of the peace. Mr. Andreou reports he learned the kick from hours of watching kung fu movies while enjoying his chronic unemployment. Onlookers aid the victim by concurrently applying a classic psychic push to the offending officer.

Greeks reacted angrily to the comments of Chancellor Merkel; and to just about everything else as well, analysts say. “Greece has what we like to call an anger problem.” observed Geoffery Xanthides, Assistant Deputy Counselor for International Psychotherapy based at the European Parliament in Brussels. “Though the country is obviously going through trauma right now, their present response can not be solely explained by their current situation. This is not the first time they have flown off the proverbial handle. It’s been a recurrent theme for Greece. We had hoped accepting Greece into the European Union would have a calming effect. But it appears to have done just the opposite. Their little issue with temper has obviously not resolved itself. It only allowed them to express it through an extreme level of financial incompetence. Entrance into the union was expected to impose a level of responsibility that ideally would lead to greater stability for this often erratic nation. Unfortunately, we did not recognize the signs until it was too late. I can only conclude that what Greece needs is a good spanking. It is my professional opinion that if they are ever to recover, we must treat them as the children they are choosing to remain. Coddling time is over. It’s time for tough love. I just hope they are able to roll up their togas, bend over, and take their punishment like adults.”

Swan does woman

One of the many depictions of Zeus, as swan, having carnal relations with a mortal. A surviving papyrus from the Athens Daily Oracle contains a partially complete interview with the God's love interest. Her name is reported as Dayanara but is assumed by anthropologists to have been changed to protect her identity. In one surviving section Ms. Dayanara describes the incident. "How was I to know he was the king of the Gods? I figured he was just telling me that to get into my toga. Well it worked, that's for sure. He sure was cute though. All feathery and soft. And the things he could do with that neck. He really was a God." A 20 year anniversary follow up issue of the Oracle details what became of a number of Zeus' paramours including Ms. Dayanara. Sadly, Ms. Dayanara was relentlessly teased by her neighbors for having what many considered a bizarre attraction to waterfowl. She reportedly spent the rest of her life secluded in the hills outside Athens with only a duck as a companion. The couple had no known descendants. Fun fact: Biologists say it was lucky for the couple that Zeus took form as one of the few bird species that has a penis like member.

Daphne Grenanananides took a break from burning tires to speak to Ship In the Night about the crisis. “Anyone who knows Greek history will understand when I say our troubles are not our fault. It’s the fuckin’ Gods fuckin’ with us once again. Every time there’s some dispute on Olympus, we have to suffer.  Fuckin’ Zeus has probably been chasing after some human booty again and Hera is pissed. You want to know the underlying cause of the financial crisis don’t talk to the fascist bankers, go look for a curiously large swan with a massive woody trying to get laid. You find that and you’ve got the root of the problem. Now pardon me. I really have to get back to my vandalism. I’m kind of on a tight schedule here and I’ve barely smashed any of the windows on this block. Plus I’ve got a car burning at 8. I really don’t know how I’ll ever get it all done. I’ll probably have to stop to ask fuckin’ Perses, Titan fuckin’ God of fuckin’ destruction, for some help. That’s going to set me back another 15 or 20 minutes. Fuck. For fuckin’ Zeus’ sakes you’d think once in a while these good for fuckin’ nothing but fuckin’ Gods would help us out without having to constantly appeal to their fuckin’ over-sized egos. Bastards, every one of them.”

We aint got squat

Prime Minister George Papandreou indicating to his fellow Greeks just how much money remains in Greek coffers. "Face it people. We got doodly. Zippo. Nada. Mee-then. Less than zero. The best we can hope for is a volcanic eruption. Europe won't be able to be so pissed at us then. That's my plan anyways. Otherwise I think I'll just quietly leave by the back door now. Good luck getting yourselves out of this one."

Athens community organizer Euripedes Papadopoulos is trying to see the silver lining in this otherwise darkening cloud. “We can solve this problem if we only pull together,” he implored during a recent protest while donning a gas mask to prepare for the next tear gas volley. “I know it’s going to be hard but maybe if we have a bake sale or something, we can pay off these debts. Maybe we could sell a bunch of moussaka. Who doesn’t love moussaka? If everyone brings a dish to the next European summit I bet the union would appreciate a night off from cooking. Why with trying to save our economy I bet they haven’t had time for a good, warm home cooked meal. We throw in some baklava for desert. Maybe a little ouzo. Maybe a lot of ouzo. After that, I’m sure our fellow Europeans will be more sympathetic to our plight. So come on people, it’s only a measly 330 billion euros we owe.  At 10 euros a plate, that’s just 33 billion dinners. With 860 million Europeans we only have to sell 40 dinners to every man, woman and child on the continent. In a month and a half we could have this problem behind us and go back to the way it was. Doesn’t that sound nice? So let’s get cracking people.  We can do this.  We just have to stop burning shit.”


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