Archive for September, 2009
Spit balls fired. Dry cleaning bill to stimulate economy
The recent Joint Session of Congress quickly degraded into shouting, spit ball attacks, and food fights, as the President attempted to move the healthcare debate forward. About 12 minutes into the President’s speech several members opposed to the President’s policies verbally expressed their disagreement. Rep. Dan Burton (R-Indiana) was heard shouting “liar liar pants on fire,” while Rep. Mike Rogers (R- Alabama) chanted “big ears , big ears, the president’s got big ears.” Though several supporters of the President repeatedly shooshed the protesters, the disturbance did not end there.
“One minute I’m listening to the President make a point and the next I’m feeling something wet hitting the back of my head,” reported Rep. Brian Higgins (D-New York).” At first I thought there was a roof leak or something. It’s a pretty old building after all. But then I hear this snickering from over on my right. I turn and what do I see but Rep. Sue Myrick (R- North Carolina) shooting spit balls at me. This was a clear violation of all House protocol.”
“In all my years as a member of this august body this is the first time I have ever had to suffer the humiliation of being attacked with a fried calamari,” complained Senator Arlen Specter (D&R- Pennsylvania). I sure as hell hope they can get the stains out or somebody is loosing some staffers.”
One Congressman was removed from the floor on a stretcher after reportedly taking a rubber band in the eye. A congressional staffer who asked to remain anonymous reported seeing the unidentified Rep. loading a finger gun with a rubber band when it back fired. Fellow congressman quickly gathered around his lifeless body. One turned to the other members and shouted in defiance, “A brother is fallen. He now belongs to the ages. We have our first hero.” Authorities declined to release his name pending notification of family.
Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) addressed reporters after the mayhem. “I am truly saddened by this shameful display. The country deserves better from its elected leaders. I am even more saddened that my dear friend Senator Kennedy was not here to take part. Ed always loved a good tussle. When I think back on all the food fights, water balloon massacres, and weggie battles we’ve been through together…. (The senator paused a moment to gather himself and then continued). All I can do is try to capture it in song.”
After repeated calls for order by Speaker Pelosi the situation deteriorated further when the Speaker was hit by a blistering ketchup attack. Her aqua marine Armani suit with matching handbag is not expected to recover. The House Sergeant at Arms, unable to calm the situation, turned to the President for assistance. After surveying the scene, the President was able to regain control by dimming the lights and threatening to count to 10.