Archive for category Future Shock

Magnum Os Speaks

Descendant of the famed 16th century seer carries on family business

Big Mouth

The only known image of Magnum Os. A complete image is prohibited under the aforementioned contract with Ship In The Night.

Ship In the Night is proud to announce that the soon to be famous prognosticator, Magnun Os, has signed an exclusive contract to reveal his visions, come as they may, solely through this publication. Readers should prepare themselves accordingly to be amazed, enlightened, enchanted, bewitched and bewildered by the amazing Magnum Os and his unparalleled ability to foresee what is to come.

Using a unique combination of cutting edge science and modern pharmaceuticals a New Jersey native who recently mastered the craft of soothsaying has revealed himself to the world in order to share his singular ability. Offering astonishingly accurate glimpses into the future this self-proclaimed modern Nostradamus has proven, through extensive testing, to predict forthcoming events with uncanny success or, as he himself predicts,  “you will receive the fullest of refunds in days to come”.

The man himself

Family and Friends who wish to remain anonymous to avoid legal action say that Magnum Os resembles his better known ancestor, especially around the eyes. Magnum Os predicts that digital images, stylized as wood cuttings and lithographs, shall be plentiful in the 47th year of the 24th century. T-shirts and lunch boxes, or the modern equivalent of said items, shall be adorned with said likenesses. Order now to avoid the said wait. Beware of foreign made knockoffs that violate copyright while supplies last and avoid legal action.

Magnum Os recently sat down with Ship In the Night to answer the question everyone is bound to ask; why here, why now? “Many will recall that my well known progenitor, Nostradamus, specialized primarily in 20th and 21st century foresight. And was damn good at it. But the old man’s visions were likely to run out fairly soon. It was clearly time for someone in the family to pick up the baton and carry on. I was between positions so I figured I’d give it a go. My specialty is the 22nd through 27th centuries. Which, unless I am very much mistaken, is what is needed about now.” Magnum Os, hoping to fill a market niche, went on to explain that he plans a more direct approach than his famously obscure forbearer. “It is my intention to avoid the confusing and obscure language of my predecessor. I intend to speak in terms that virtually anyone may understand. I will be the prophet of the people.” However, he predicts “that with the evolution of language over time, what is plain spoken today will be anything but, come the fruition of my first revelations. By such time it is certain that many will know not what the hell that I speaketh. A tribe of diviners will arise from the dust and study my words to ascertain their fullest meaning. Countless hours and endless argumentative life forces shall be expended interpreting my thoughts to determine if what has come to pass was part of my predications. Many will conclude a resounding “yes”. But lo there will be some naysayers. There are such amongst all groupings. But though I be dead for many a lifetime I shall attain the last chuckle.”

From whence did Magnum Os arrive? The details are murky but Ship In the Night has been able, through painstaking research, to piece together some of his turbulent back-story. Much is cloaked in mystery but we do know that he held, until recently, a prestigious position at a fortune 500 financial firm (name withheld to avoid legal action). He was allegedly a senior member of an elite team whose sole reason for existence was to predict market trends. The fortunes of many of today’s largest investors depended on his and his colleagues efforts. When the financial crises hit, though he had forewarned of the potential for imminent demise (in contrast to the rosy outlook of his coworkers we might add), he was assigned the task of fall guy. Assuming blame for the millions in losses the firm’s clients realized, he was summarily and publicly driven from the firm. In so doing his former employee hoped to appease the gods and exercise the demons that so obviously were responsible in creating the stain on their otherwise stellar reputation. For some weeks, after losing his position, he wandered through the waste land of an unknown but familiar major US city (hint: initials are NYC) searching for meaning and direction.  It was during this period of wandering that his visions manifested themselves.

Woah, that's a bit freaky

An unnerving view of the bridge that was the scene of one of MO's earliest known visions. Said vision was not, as some have said, of the future of the bridge but was in fact of giant beavers felling Sequoias while singing early 20th century show tunes. The meaning of said vision is yet to be interpreted but insiders report Ole Man River from Porgy and Bess was a particular favorite of these magnificent rodents. Subscribers to Ship In The Night will be the first to know the true meaning of said vision. Sign up today.

Friends and family report that Magnum Os, or MO to those close to him, is apparently unable to control his visions. “They just  kind of happen” family members familiar with the situation report. “He could be walking through the mall or driving down the Garden State Parkway,” explains a friend or relative who requested anonymity to avoid any legal action, “when suddenly his eyes will roll back in his head and off he goes. It’s pretty creepy. Scared the hell out of me the first few times. Luckily I was able to get the car under control before he drove us off the GW. I’ll be damned if I’m going to die in that part of the Hudson. Just what I want my obituary to read. ‘Tim (name changed to avoid legal action) was discovered several weeks after his disappearance amidst the detritus of a major US city.” Friends and family were understandably concerned by MO’s erratic behavior. Many report avoiding riding with the then yet to be realized seer until his condition improved. “We didn’t know what was happening at first” reported another friend or family member who requested anonymity to avoid any legal action. “He kept telling us he was seeing all kinds of crazy shit. We figured he’d gone off the deep end after losing his job and all. I know his family made him go and see a bunch of shrinks but they couldn’t find squat. That was a chunk of change down the sewer with the alligators. Eventually we realized he must be having visions of the future. I mean what else could they be? They were really freaking weird. Like the weirdest dream you’ve ever had, times 10. That’s how we figured out it was the distant future. Cause it was like nothing we’d ever seen. Really fucking weird.”

In the first of many to come, MO offers a teaser vision to confirm to readers his singular gift. MO has peered into the future and offered a tidbit of the state of relations between the sexes in the not so distant future. “I have walked amongst the children of tomorrow,” this modern day prophet was recorded remarking during a recent trance ” and I have entered the vapors of the yet to come. I have embarked on a journey transcending time and space and returned bearing tidings of great change. Want to hear all about it?”

man woman

An artists conception of the human of the future based on the inspiring and surprisingly realistic predictions of the one, the only, the singular, the truly amazing, "call me MO", Magnum Os.

“I FORESEE A DAY WHEN THERE WILL BE BUT ONE SEX. BIRTHING OF OFFSPRING WILL BE RELEGATED TO THE PARTNER WITH THE LOWEST ECONOMIC MARKETABILITY. LIKE UNTO THE WORMS THAT WRIGGLE ABOUT OUR FEET, NO MORE SHALL THERE BE MAN AND WOMAN BUT ONLY MANAN. NO MORE SHALL THERE BE FATHER AND MOTHER  BUT ONLY FOTHER. NO MORE SHALL THERE BE AN EXCUSE FOR ONE PARTNER TO EARN 2/3 OF THE OTHER FOR SIMILAR EFFORT. EXCEPT FOR BIRTHMARKS AND SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBERS TWO SHALL BE INDISTINGUISHABLE. A DAY SHALL COME WHEN THE MOUNTAINS SHALL BOW TO THE VALLEYS AND THE SEAS SHALL MINGLE LAND. THE MIGHTIEST LION SHALL PERFORM REIKI ON THE LOWLIEST MOUSE SUFFERING FROM CHRONIC BACK ISSUES. UNISEX SALONS WILL RULE THE LAND AND MEN UNWILLING TO SHARE THEIR FEELINGS WILL BE GONE WITH THE WIND. WHO SHALL VACUUM WILL BE DECIDED BY LOTTERY AS NO KING WILL RULE A CASTLE OF SAND FOR SAND WILL BE DENIED ENTRANCE TO SAID CASTLE UPON DECREE OF POLYARCHY THAT SHALL RULETH. SHOES WILL BE REMOVED UPON ENTRY AND GARBAGE SHALL BE REMOVED BY COLLECTIVE ACTION. THE END TIMES WILL HAVE COME AND GONE AND NEW TIMES WILL LEAD TO GOOD TIMES. AND GOOD TIMES WILL LEAD TO WHAT COMES NEXT…

To be continued….

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