Archive for March, 2010
White House wants 20 pushups – no complaints
First Lady Michelle Obama has had just about enough of America’s excuses. Sources intimately connected with the First Lady say she doesn’t want to hear any more whining. Not to mention, Mrs. Obama has reportedly “had it about up to here.” She thinks it’s time America’s youth get off their big fat behinds and start moving. “Listen up Billy and Suzy Lardbottom. Just look at yourselves,” exclaimed the First Lady at a recent news conference. “Stop this madness and start some exercising. Put down that doughnut and pick up the stair master. Get your hand out of the cookie jar and on to the chin bar. Pick yourself up off the couch and deposit yourself onto the treadmill. It’s out with the wobbly cheeks and in with the tight buns and, hallelujah, it’s open season on the jelly belly. I am America’s personal trainer and this, baby, is opening day at boot camp.” The First Lady immediately followed her diatribe with an impressive display of physical prowess lifting Rush Limbaugh over her head and dropping him to the floor. She then proceeded to climb onto the crowd restraining rope, leapt into the air, and landed on Mr. Limbaugh’s writhing form with a deafening crash. It’s believed Mrs. Obama made history as the first First lady to perform a full body slam. Not since Eleanor Roosevelt pistol whipped Wendell Wilkie has a First Lady so thoroughly humiliated a political opponent.
“I mean it America. Get your house in order. Dump the junk food and load up on the protein shakes or I’m pulling a Mister T on your collective fannies. It’s time once again to just say no,” the First Lady added. Conservative pundits immediately jumped on Mrs. Obama’s use of the word “collective.” Just more evidence that the Obamas are closet socialists,” said up and coming talk show host, media icon, former drug addict, and delusional paranoiac Tim Stalwart. “The Obamas can’t open their mouths without spewing some sort of socialist agenda. What is it with these people? If Americans want to be fat then they should be fat. Where does it say in the Constitution it’s the First Lady’s job to make us all fit and trim?”
Mrs. Obama responded to critics, “I’ll whup you so hard you’ll wish you’d never heard of a Twinkie. The word will be pain, the sentence will be suffering and the paragraph will be torture. I’ll knock some sense in to you if I have to water board you ’til you beg for wind sprints. I’ll have you crying for sit-ups, screaming for jumping jacks and dreaming of bench presses.” Critics responded to her retorts with, “Oh yea? Let’s see you make us.”
To accomplish her goal of a less fat America, Mrs. Obama has enlisted the help of some of our best known ass kickers from across the political spectrum. Together they hope to threaten a recalcitrant and apathetic America’s youth into compliance. Chuck Norris is the latest educator to join the cause. “You want the Chinese to overrun us sweet cheeks? Then keep up with the milk shakes. But don’t be too surprised when I render your super-sized, all American derriere speechless. I am declaring Armageddon on fat. The four horseman of the fat Apocalypse have arrived and we are here to drive these high cholesterol doggies to market.” As of this writing, critics of Mr. Norris were still trying to decipher his comments.