Archive for July, 2009
by Cubic Zirconium Jim
Hollywood’s 8th or 9th most read Celebrity Watcher
Fast on the heals of his widely popular Bruno, Sacha Baron Cohen is preparing his next role. Insiders connected with friends of relatives of Mr. Cohen’s production company report that this character is expected to be even zanier than his beloved Borat and Bruno. After skewering Kazakhstan and Austria, Mr. Cohen now turns to the land of ancient Rome for the ethnicity of his next character.
Father Marco Fallati is quickly moving from wild and crazy dream to reality as the planning of Mr. Cohen’s next comic extravaganza gets underway. For the back story we contacted Mr. Cohen’s rejected publicist’s former podiatrist Bernie Mastic.
“I was at a very exclusive Hollywood restaurant, minding my own business,” recalls Mr. Mastic, “when I’m pretty sure I overheard this guy talking about what Cohen was up to. He looked a lot like a guy I saw on an internet news site, I don’t remember which one, who was standing behind Cohen at some gala event he was attending. His movie opening or something. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Anyways, I figure this guy must be pretty close to Cohen or why would he be next to him in the photo. So I says to myself this guy’s an insider and I perk my ears up to see what signals I might register. It was kind of loud in there but I’m pretty sure the guy said Italy. I’m pretty good at readin’ lips as I’m a bit hard a hearing and damn if he didn’t mouth Cohen and Italy in the same sentence. Well I knew I was on to something. Next thing I see him mouth movie and rub his fingers together like people do when they are talking about big bucks. Bingo, I knew then what was up. Cohen was making a movie about an Italian monk who always wanted to be a minstrel singer. See the guy has a thing for Al Jolson movies. So he quits the monkery and comes to America to be a minstrel singer, black face and all. Heads right to LA to try to get in the movies. Ends up at a Hip Hop Party with a bunch of rappers. Damn near gets himself killed, cause he’s in black face and all. I mean the rap guys were a bit offended. But since he’s wearing a cross as big as some of the gangstas they get down with him. They end up doing a hip hop version of Mamie. I tell you I was laughing so hard I bout fell out of my chair. Damn near choked on the oyster I had just sucked down.”
Well readers, there you have it. Don’t be surprised if you’re approached by some Italian monk in black face with a camera man following him around. Or better yet. Be surprised. Sign the consent form and act normal. Or really weird. And maybe you’ll find yourself in Sacha’s next big hit. Good luck.