Archive for December, 2011
Unmanned sleigh lost on test flight
Sleigh wing commander Colonel Herbie Elfston met with reporters to announce that a highly advanced un-elfed sleigh was lost over Iran recently during a test flight. “We have requested its return,” explained the colonel. “If I were to characterize the response from Iran so far I would say that, unless events unfold in a very different manner than they appear to be at this point, it is extremely likely that high level Iranian officials will be receiving coal this holiday season.”
Other responses to the crisis have been a bit less diplomatic. “Give the damn thing back you half-baked fruitcakes,” a spokesman for Kris Kringle enterprises, the designer and manufacturer of the robo-sleigh, exclaimed, “Christmas is just two weeks away. Maybe you don’t give a reindeer’s turd how we get it done but we got kids all over the world expecting presents. You don’t want your kids to get anything for Christmas you heartless bastards? Fine. But you go ahead and ruin it for everybody and see if there aren’t serious consequences come Christmas morning.”
North Pole mission control officials have yet to fully explain exactly what the highly advanced toy sleigh was doing over Iran; and how it came to be in the hands of the Iranian military. Insiders connected with the secret sleigh program, speaking on condition of anonymity, and not wishing to be put on the naughty list, have slipped messages to Ship In the Night indicating the program was in response to the growing demand for more and more stuff this time of the year. “We just can’t keep up,” one quickly scribbled note by a tiny hand read. “Help us please.”
Elfin researchers had apparently been developing the drone sleigh to deliver presents around the world in response to the labor crisis. Management had hoped to deploy a number of the drones this season easing the strain on the elfin population and an aging ole St. Nick.
“Looks like those plans are now shot to hell,” commented Daphne Mc’elfrey, package delivery supervisor at UPS (United Present Services), a subsidiary of Klaus Ventures. “From what I hear they tested the thing over Iran figuring if there was a problem, there wouldn’t be a problem. Iranians don’t celebrate Christmas. What would they want with a highly advanced, Christmas present delivery vehicle (CPDV)? And since it’s a primarily Muslim country, not to mention a tightly controlled theocracy, any reports of sitings of the vehicle wouldn’t get out of the country for weeks. Since the Iranians are making up crazy shit all the time: spy squirrels, nuclear programs for completely peaceful purposes, the holocaust never happened, that kind of crazy ass thing, who would believe them anyways? The drone could fly its test run, return home, and nobody who is eagerly awaiting Santa’s visit, would be the wiser. In the highly unlikely event there was a problem, the Iranians would simply use the return address label carefully and lovingly wrapped and conveniently placed in the control module, and send the drone back to: The North Pole, Care of Santa. How were we supposed to know they would interpret the brightly colored package with a festive ribbon and bow as a national security threat? Apparently they blew the thing up fearing it might go off at any moment. I suppose we shouldn’t have included the toy soldier clock as a gesture of Christmas merriment. The ticking must have given them quite the scare. Next time we’ll stick with digital. Or maybe just include a gift certificate to Amazon.”
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran is reportedly having his best Christmas ever, a spokesperson for the sometimes rational leader says. “The President could not have received a better present,” explained Senior Vice Minister at the Ministry of On again, Off again, Stability. “It is a Wonderful Life, that’s all the President can say. ‘Yes Arash,’ he said to me just yesterday, ‘there is a Santa Claus. And he has come to our town. Deck the Halls and Jingle those bells.’ It would have taken us years to develop our own sleigh that we could then use to deliver ‘presents’ to the enemies of Iran. Which, I might add, includes just about everyone. Oh yes, we have a very long list of naughty little children. And it’s growing all the time. There is a whole Revolutionary Guard division dedicated to tracking and cataloging their names. We like to think of them as the little elves of the revolution working day and night to ensure our final victory. In the words of your Santa Claus, HO, HO, HO. Merry Christmas.”