Archive for September, 2010
History made with the advent of odoriferous campaign literature
A new chapter in the candidating playbook was written this campaign season as Carl Paladino, candidate for Governor of New York, sent out the first mailing in history designed to excite the nasal passages as well as the adrenal gland. Using the well known principle that smell is much of taste, a garbage perfumed mailing was sent to an estimated 200,000 New Yorkers to demonstrate that Mr. Paladino knows how to run a state. Most receivers of the mailing agreed that it smelled “pretty bad” and that having a state government that smelled like a landfill is probably not a good idea. Unless, that is, said government can provide adequate employment and keep the entitlements rolling in.
Paladino’s rival for the position, Andrew Cuomo, (coincidentally, a relation of the former Governor), responded quickly with a skunk scented brochure to show that he too is qualified to be governor. Campaign aids to Mr. Cuomo described the mailing as “sending a message that something in Albany is pretty stinky and Mr. Cuomo plans to fix it.” Supporters of Mr. Paladino were overheard chuckling, “Maybe its you, Cuomo, that stinks so bad.”
Not to be outdone in the smellable campaign literature race, Mr. Paladino quickly responded with a mailing that smelled strongly of several-day old, unrefrigerated fish. Paraphrasing the immortal bard, campaign staffers staged a theatrical demonstration outside the capital and declared repeatedly, “something is rotten in Albany, and me thinks it be a Cuomo.” Cuomo’s supporters quickly mounted a counter staging declaiming, “neither a borrower nor a lender be, nor a pseudo businessman who hath made great sums from the welfare state he so decries.”
A poll released the next day surprised many, showing Paladino creeping up on Cuomo in the race for the highest office in the state. The Cuomo camp, desperate to show it still had a few tricks up its sleeve, responded almost immediately. The Committee to elect Andrew Cuomo (very much the son of the former Governor), sent out a mailing dripping of some substance that can only be described as a toxic waste most vile. Mr. Cuomo’s staff explained the metaphor as meaning that “Paladino, if elected, may very likely be found to cause cancer in California. Making him governor would be like building a playground on Love Canal and why would you want that.”
Paladino’s camp responded in kind sending out a mailing smelling surprisingly like vagina with the banner, “Andrew Cuomo is a pussy.” A Sienna poll found of those most likely to vote, few (3%) were swayed by the recent spat of stink mail. 73% reported having to install air fresheners in their mail boxes. A small but significant number (5.6%) developed phobias to mail in general. And interestingly, a sizable group (83%) of 18 to 30 year olds reported the vagina mailings made them horny. A resultant increase in births is expected by medical authorities.
Supporters of Cuomo mounted a full court response to the latest volley, filling paper bags with horse manure. The campaign reportedly planned to place the bags on the porches of leading Republican’s in the state, light the bags on fire, ring the door bells, and run while shouting “fire”. This effort was intended to be a synchronized event throughout the state. Unfortunately for the Cuomo campaign, those targeted got wind of the attack and met the perpetrators at their doors with buckets of cow dung. Brawls and shit slinging erupted door to door across the Empire state leading to the intervention of state police. Local officials responsible for the cleanup are exploring how they might bill the respective campaigns for the mess.