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EPA to be target of cream pies and seltzer
Self proclaimed wisenheimers from across this great land will arrive in the nation’s capital this weekend to stage what organizers hope will be a massive “Million Clown March.” Their goal? To protest energy efficiency standards that, they say, are unfairly damaging gag man culture everywhere. Organizers are hoping to galvanize what, in their minds, is quickly becoming a humorless nation that does not realize the damage to old joke culture that is being done by attempts to improve the nations’ energy efficiency.
“Time is running out to protect our way of life,” said spokesman and lay funnyman Spence “Tickles” Redman. “How will future generations be able to tell lightbulb jokes if lightbulbs last for years and nobody has to change them anymore? Who will be able to ask ‘How many cannibals does it take to change a lightbulb?’, if the things never burn out. That’s what these new LED things do you know? Last damn near forever. It was bad enough when those confounded compact fluorescents started showing up. Those damn things lasted 8 to 10 times longer then the more traditional bulb that we all know and love to laugh about. These damn LEDs, or laugh eliminating duds as I like to call them, can last 50 times longer than an incandescent. What the hell is up with that? Someday people may live their whole lives and never change a lightbulb. Just imagine. Where will we go? They are taking away a part of who we are. Lightbulb jokes are a main stay of my people. Is there no longer a place for us?”
“We are people dedicated to making people laugh,” complained Darrell “Jigglin Belly” Burkey. “We’re not in it for the money. We do it just to see a smile on a coworkers otherwise sullen face. To raise a little cheer in a downtrodden colleague. To help a friend in need make it through a troubling time. That’s all. Well we’re having a hard time bringing on the yuks right now. There was a time when you could say to someone, “Is your refrigerator running?, and when they’d say “yes,” a guy like me could respond to much merriment, “well you better catch it than.” But no more. With these super efficient Energy Star models refrigerators hardly make a sound. Who knows what a running refrigerator sounds like anymore. I try to tell that joke to youngsters and they just stare at me like I got two heads or something. Wish I had two heads. Then I could cut one off and maybe get a laugh then. That’s what these young people find funny. It’s disgusting. I blame the parents. And television. And that internet thingy. Its killin’ me I tell you. Just killin’ me.”
Leaders of the movement say that they are not against energy efficiency. “We all want to do our part to help the environment don’t you know,” explained Vern “Barrel o’ Monkeys” Wilkins. “But you got to draw the line somewhere. This is our way of life. And it’s dying. Right here before our googly eyes. We’re funny as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore. The jokesters – united – will never be defeated. We’re cut ups and we vote. Its time to wake up and smell the fake lapel flower EPA and take your squirt like a man. Or should I say like a huge federal bureaucracy that cares not a farthing about the little pranksters of this world. Well you better respond to our demands or we will be forced to hold you down and tickle you till it hurts. We’re not joking.”