Archive for May, 2011

Hawaii Statehood Questioned

Newest state’s status in doubt

Isn't this something?

Does this man look like a citizen to you?

With the recent release of President Obama’s birth certificate the White House hoped that the controversy surrounding the President’s citizenship had finely been lain to rest. Hope springs eternal. Challengers to the President’s legitimacy, led by their new-found champion, Donald Trump, have turned their inquisitive minds to the nation’s 50th state, Hawaii.  Some are questioning  if the island is in fact a state. “Doesn’t look like a state to me,” said Ken Flost of Scottsdale Arizona. “What other state is completely surrounded by water? I call that an island, not a state. We don’t have any other islands that are states,” pointed out Mr. Flost. “Puerto Rico’s not a state now is it? Guam hasn’t got its own star. American Samoa? Forget about it. Sure there’s Rhode Island. But it isn’t really an island. It’s a state. Who the hell knows why it’s called an island? Sure it has islands. But lots of states have islands. But they aren’t just islands. They have other stuff too. Like mainland. The fact is,  states are next to other states. No other state sits out there all by itself surrounded by water like it’s too good for the rest of us. Kind of suspicious I say.”

Trump and babe

Presidential hopeful Donald Trump clearly demonstrating, with the help of his lovely assistant, he knows an island when he sees one .

“The question of Hawaii’s statehood is completely legitimate,” responded Donald Trump to a reporter’s query at a recent press conference. “Our nation needs to be certain which places are states and which ones are just vacation spots. I don’t think it’s too much to ask Hawaii to prove its statehood. I would think it would be happy to do it. Hawaii has to understand that as long as it insists on including a number of Asians and people of Polynesian descent as citizens, regular Americans are bound to have questions. Many who have visited the island believed they were visiting a foreign land. It’s what they told all their friends. If they had wanted to go to a state they could have gone to Illinois or New Jersey. Don’t get me wrong. I love the people of Hawaii. I love the sand, the surf, the real estate development opportunities. I just want to be sure that if I am elected President I should be presiding over Hawaii too.”

Map of Rhode Island

A terrain map of Rhode Island clearly showing that the "so-called" island is really a section of mainland that includes some island like areas. This is totally different from Hawaii which, exhibiting classic island behavior, is way the hell out in the middle of the Pacific.

Concern for state illegitimacy, initially confined to fringe websites is now a full-blown movement. The stater movement, as it now being called by its members, is believed to be loosely tied to the birther movement. Leadership is believed to be drawn from the base of the Republican party. Not wishing to alienate key support as the next presidential election approaches, party officials have been reluctant to criticize the movement. “I’m not saying Hawaii is or is not a state,” remarked  Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas and leader of the party, during a recent appearance on Face the Nation. “But if it turns out not to be a state, our nation has been put in the embarrassing position of having a President who was not born here. And the constitution explicitly says he’s supposed to be. If the Democratic party really cared about this nation you’d think they would have settled the issue before making Obama president. But they didn’t. The American people have once again seen that trusting Democrats is a fool’s errand. Not that Americans are fools. That’s not what I meant. It’s the Democrats that are fools. And liars. Really big liars. Yeah, That’s what I meant.”

Hawaii, being in a completely different time zone, unreachable by car, train or bus (and with air fares being what they are today who can even afford to go there anyways?) could not be reached for comment.

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