Archive for April, 2011

Millions Tune Into Royal Wedding Night

The Happy Couple Consummates While the World Looks On

An estimated 115 million viewers tuned in Friday night to watch as the newly married royal couple performed the final act of their first day of wedded bliss. “It was so beautiful,” explained Cynthia Kensy of Newcastle. “He was the perfect gentleman, and she the perfect lady. You could hardly tell that they were doing anything at all. I only wish my George had lived to see this. He could have learned a thing or two.”

Man in glasses

Winston Plowman, Chelsea, gathered with friends to watch the historic event.

I’d say little Prince Willy got the job done alright,” proudly remarked a tearful Chester Smythe of Blackpool. “Brought back some memories it did of me and the misses on our first night together. It wasn’t actually our first night together, if you know what I mean. We were like the young royals that way. But it was fun to pretend. Those were the days, eh? Course we didn’t have webcams and Facebook and all this stuff these youngsters have now, did we? I sure would like to have twittered to me pals how it was going. To be honest I was a bit jiggered as you might imagine. Could have used a bit of moral support. And I’m sure Sheila would have like to have had a friend or two with her. I mean geez. Women can barely go to the bathroom alone. How does society expect them to get through something like their wedding night without a girlfriend to chatter with? It just aint right.”

“This is the happiest day of my life,” beamed Lizzy Blackwell, Edinborough. “I’ve been saving myself for this moment, which is more than I can say for that pretend commoner hussy. She doesn’t deserve him. He’s so handsome and strong and rich. I have his pictures all over my bedroom. Had to cut her out of a few. She’s a bad, bad woman, she is. I’ve followed little Willy his whole life. I guess he’s not so little anymore all grown up and getting married. I really believe we were made for each other. If only I could get the chance to talk to him. I’m sure I could make him see his mistake.” Miss Blackwell appeared almost blissful as she was ushered away by the local authorities.

Leslie Winston, sick of the event, throws himself under a passing royal Humvee.

Leslie Winston, sick of the event, throws himself under a passing royal Humvee.

“What has she got that I aint got,” exclaimed an angry transvestite, stage name Lulu. “That’s what I’d like to know? It aint fair. Some girls get all the good blokes and the rest of us are stuck with tossers like my Roy. The only time Roy ever swept me off my feet was when he fell on me dead drunk. Except he wasn’t dead. That would have been an improvement.”

“Could we please talk about something else?” begged Justin Fark of Whitehall. “This country has some real problems. These so called royals can’t even be bothered to invite the last two prime ministers to their “private little wedding.” Give me a fucking break. Why don’t they just abdicate and leave us the fuck alone. Or better yet, give them a week in The Tower and threaten to lop off their precious fucking heads. Let’s see how they bleeding like that. Now that would be something worth watching. Let the scum eat cake, that’s what it is all over again. People are starving and they’re sucking on diamonds. At least feed the damn corgis to the poor for god sake. Then they might have some use.” Mr. Fark was anything but blissful as he was led away by authorities.

After their widely successful televised event the royal couple are reportedly in talks with the BBC on a reality show featuring, you guessed it, themselves. Working title is reportedly the The Royal We. Insiders say that the couple has come to thrive on all the attention and does not wish it to end, ever. “They” are sure that people are just dying to see the inner workings of the many houses of Windsor. The Queen is reportedly not amused.

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