Archive for category Sports

Olympics In, Haiti Out

Organizers Fear Disaster

The 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver, British Columbia have moved to the top of the news charts supplanting all other international stories in allotted reporting time. Though the suffering continues in Haiti journalists from all over the world have converged on the northwest of Canada to report on the drama, the excitement, the sheer majesty of athletes doing what they want, when they want, in the hopes of gaining a little disc of gold, silver, or bronze. “Have you seen the price of gold? You better believe I want to win this year,” commented Olympic Curling hopeful Brenda Higgins of Team Canada. Vancouver is now full of  athletes representing their countries on the world stage and competing for lucrative endorsement contracts.

"Joy is the Flag Flown High in the Castle of my Heart"

The big story at the games has been the weather. “It’s a disaster,” said Swiss Downhill Assistant Coach Jorn Gutterbun. “I don’t know how we’re going to survive this one.” It is the warmest winter on record in Vancouver according to climatologists. “Timing is everything in sports and our timing obviously sucked this year,” remarked a disgusted event organizer who did not want to be named. “We thought about hosting the games above the arctic circle where we could be pretty certain there would still be some ice left. We figured there was still a few cold winters before the whole place becomes one big mud hole. We just wanted to squeeze one more Olympics in near a major city to take advantage of the tourism dollars. But with global warming happening faster than initially thought we really got caught with our snow pants down.”

US downhill skier Lindsey Vonn is a favorite to win multiple gold this year. At least she was until a shin injury brought in to question her ability to compete effectively, or even at all. “You can’t imagine the suffering,” Ms. Vonn explained through clenched teeth. “I can only say that on a pain scale it felt initially like about 200,000 dead.  Now it’s more of a dull, can’t find anything to eat and haven’t got a place to call home, and maybe even lost my parents or my children kind of feeling.”  Reporters have been descending on Ms. Vonn’s shin to provide the world with up to the minute  details on her condition. Cash donations to help Ms. Vonn have also been pouring in. “The support has been incredible. With all this aid I should be able to push onwards and rebuild,” she bravely stated with moist eyes. “I believe my shin injury will be a turning point in my personal history and I will come out of this stronger and with a brighter future.”

Ms. Vonn is just one of the many very attractive uber-athletes representing the US at the Games

America’s best hope for multiple medals has reportedly been treating the injury aggressively applying cheese to the affected area in hopes of reducing the inflammation. “Sounds crazy don’t it,” said certified trainer and dairy enthusiast  Ralph Reiff, director of Sports Medicine and Sports Performance for St. Vincent Hospital of Indianapolis, Indiana. “But it’s not bizarre at all. It’s just some of the crazy shit athletes at that level do. They say Ms. Vonn likes a nice Austrian Topfen. I myself have always found an aged Dutch Gouda to do the trick.”

In other news, snowboarder Lindsey Jacobellis and speed skater Apolo Ohno were caught appearing on selected websites in a NyQuil doping scandal and have been disqualified from the games. “Ms. Jacobellis and Mr. Ohno have been asked to leave the village,” reported Olympic drug testing official Darin Floppers. “The Olympic committee will not tolerate any kind of drug use no matter how much the endorsement contract is worth.”

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