Archive for August, 2011


Will stop at nothing, critics say

President is up with people

The President extolling the American people to keep their heads above water. Not once during his address did he deny responsibility for the storm. "Pretty fishy," says Dr. Stonkweiller.

A report released today by University of Walla Walla’s Department of Conspiracy Theory has concluded that the Obama administration is the likely cause of the so-called hurricane dubbed Irene that has made quite the mess of much of the east coast. The report cites numerous examples of President Obama, and members of his administration, failing to deny responsibility for the natural disaster. “We have combed all press releases, public appearances, and idle banter of the last 72 hours and are disturbed to find not one reference of plausible deniability for the massive storm,” said Professor Mark Stonkweiller, Chair of the department. The administration knew about this storm days in advance. How could they fail to acknowledge they weren’t behind it if they weren’t, in fact, behind it? What does that say to you?,” an obviously convinced Dr. Stonkweiller exclaimed.


"Can you freaking believe this guy?" Speaker Boehner declared to no one in particular after party members assailed him with overwhelming evidence of the Presidents culpability. Aids later clarified that the speaker does not actually believe the President can cause hurricanes and that the Speaker was merely using the event to win political points with the more unbalanced members of his party.

Speaker of the House John Boehner was quick to seize on the report after being pushed and prodded by some of the more conservative members of his party. “This is an obvious attempt to promote a massive jobs program in states where the President is looking to shore up his base going into next year’s election. It’s a classic attempt to drive up sagging poll numbers by creating a disaster, acting the in-charge leader, and pushing a bunch of spending through Congress while we’re still reeling and all emotional from the event,” he said with tearful eyes. “The President is trying to take advantage of us. Kick us when we’re down. Well it’s not going to work this time. No matter how bad things get, we are not going to approve one penny. Not today. Not tomorrow. No matter how bad the damage. What the flood damaged areas need is a tax cut to spur rebuilding. Not frivolous government spending. Get people the tax incentives they want to buy the things they need: mops, floaties, bikinis or beer, whatever it is. Not what the government tells them they should buy, but what they themselves want. It’s time for the government to get out of people’s way and let them decide for themselves whether to sink or swim.”

Jindal grabs

Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana describing how the federal government is planning to take funding away from New Orleans and funnel it back to the more liberal east coast states from whence most of it originated. "Just because I am against big government does not mean New Orleans should not be rebuilt with federal tax dollars," the Governor said. "New Orleans is way more special than all those east coast cities and towns put together. Rebuilding Vermont before New Orleans? You have got to be fucking kidding me?"

Though conspiracy theorists in general agree that the President, or someone close to him, caused the storm, analysts differ on the reasons behind it. “There are a number of plausible reasons for the administration to take such a step,” explained Felicia Johnston of the non-partisan think tank, Conspiratorial Foundation. “A jobs program is an obvious goal of the administration. This theory is popular amongst the conspiracy economists in our group. It would have taken an act of God to get such a massive bill through this Congress otherwise. But he may also have only been looking for a way to improve his poll numbers. The political conspiracists are touting this theory. On the other hand some of our colleagues in Louisiana surmise that this is a not so blatant attempt to take funding away from New Orleans to punish Governor Jindal for being such a prick. The Pollyannas in our group however, argue that the President is just providing us with an opportunity to come together as a nation. Good luck with that is my view. Suffice it to say that we have a lot of unanswerable questions that deserve answers. And until we get satisfactory answers to every one of them we will not be satisfied. 100% or nothing. That’s our motto.”

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