Archive for November, 2008

The Savings Crisis

Credit Crises Spurs Savings Crises Spurs Consumer Crises….

Treasury officials are concerned that the recent credit crisis could lead to what has up to now been the unthinkable – Americans being forced to live within their means. Secretary Paulson recently announced his concern that the lack of credit could actually help Americans get out of debt. “This could have terrible consequences for the American economy.” he worried. “This economy is built on the consumer. If the consumer stops consuming there will be all this stuff sitting around. Then what will we do? The whole country will be like the island of misfit toys. Any policy that leads to reduced levels of debt could have a catastrophic effect on the credit situation. If Americans continue to reduce spending the Government will have to step in and force them back to the stores by any means necessary. We will use all the tools at our disposal including: opening stores at ungodly early hours, offering almost unheard of discounts on selected items, and giving short term, no interest, credit card offers to entice them back to buying things they don’t really need. We have worked hard to bring savings levels down to all time lows and we cannot afford to change course at this juncture,” he added gravely.

Secretary Paulson demonstrates his favorite technique for grabbing more stuff.

Secretary Paulson demonstrates his favorite technique for grabbing additional specially marked down consumer goods.

Dr. Wilbury Edmonds of Standford’s Department of Consumption Research Institute has been making the rounds of the talk shows promoting his new book, “Shopping Shock – Bored by Buying”. He claims he saw this coming all along but nobody would listen. “My research has shown that the financial crises we find ourselves in is the result of the simple fact that Americans have everything. There really isn’t anything left that we could possibly fit in our homes. Americans have done all we can to prop up the capitalist system. We have bought more than anyone could have reasonably expected us to buy. We have even gone so far as to rent additional space at remote locations outside our homes to store even more. We Americans have performed the herculean task of sustaining the engine of this economy for the last 60 years. We should be proud of our accomplishments. Look, we saved the world from the Nazis, the communists, and we have done a pretty good job pissing off the Muslims. Now its someone elses turn. Maybe the Chinese can take up the slack. They seem to be flush with cash at the moment.”

In related news several big box retailers have reported lackluster sales so far this Christmas season. In what is being seen as a positive sign shoplifting, destruction of property and in store assault appear to be trending upward as the holidays approach. Retailers are taking this as a sign of hope that the American addiction for shiny new objects has not yet fully come to an end. Chambers of Commerce across the country are banding together to promote their “Don’t ruin our Christmas” campaign. A number of high profile celebrities have already jumped on board to help. “Come on people. Where’s your holiday spirit?” chided pop icon Chianti at a recent event to launch the campaign and promote the upcoming release of her Christmas album, Give me Give me your Candy Cane.


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