Archive for January, 2011

Embargo Threatens Birthday Celebration

Cake hoarding feared.

In a plan to further pressure President Laurent Gbagbo to leave the office he lost fair and square, a blockade of Ivory Coast cocoa was announced today. The President has refused to vacate his office despite having lost the recent internationally monitored election.” The man is obviously a turd,” said a UN official who wished to remain nameless. I mean how many Gs and Bs can a person fit into one name?”

The announcement has sent shock waves through Upstate NY as one man is attempting to celebrate his birthday. “What the hell is this all about?” remarked Smith N. Jones, well know Advertising executive and sweet consumer. “It’s my freaking birthday and you want to stop the export of cocoa from Ivory Coast? They control 25% of the world’s supply for Christ’s sake. How the hell am I supposed to get my chocolate cake. I’ve been waiting all year for this. I just want my damn cake. Is that too much to ask?”

Give me some now

Mr. Jones does not take kindly to anyone who impedes his planned celebration. "Listen up El Presidente fuck wad or whatever your name is, I want my cake see and I want it now!"

Addressing so called President Gbagbagbbgo in a hastily held news conference, Mr. Jones remarked, “OK I get it. So your some big tough dictator guy. But listen up bub. Get the hell out of the presidential palace or be forewarned that I, and my vast minions, will release a barrage of advertising copy directed at you the likes of which has never been seen before amongst peace loving nations. So I suggest you vamoose pronto or I will be forced to act. Got it? Good.”

Though clearly upset by the unfortunate turn of events, Mr Jones reported in an exclusive interview with Ship In The Night that “I have my people working on it,” demonstrating that the old American can do, won’t be held back, spirit that seems generally lacking today, especially amongst America’s over entertained youth, is not completely dead. We the editors of Ship In the Night  regret the situation and sure as hell don’t know what this world is coming to.

President Gbagbabggbbbbg could not be reached for comment but was reportedly last seen cowering inside the presidential palace looking for a reasonably priced travel destination. Mr. Jones has kindly offered to help the President find just such a location.

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