Archive for February, 2009

President Obama Limits CEO Pay – INS Put On Alert

New Measure Expected to Drive Up Illegal Immigration

In an attempt to gain popular support for the ongoing bailout of the financial industry President Obama signed an executive order limiting CEO pay to a meager $500,000 per year for any company that takes federal bailout money. Major banking institutions are reeling from the order fearing they won’t be able to fill CEO positions at such low wages. Already several CEO’s have threatened to picket their respective institutions if the limit is implemented. “I’ve got several mortgages to keep up and my daughter still needs her Mercedes SUV for college,” said CEO Bernie Waldorf. “This is draconian. How am I expected to live under these conditions? I’ve got enough to worry about without having to wonder how I’m going to pay for my wife’s breast augmentation next week. It was her birthday present. Now what am I going to get her?”

Officials at the Immigration and Naturalization Service are gearing up for an uptick in illegal entries as Central Americans pour across the border to fill the newly opened positions. “I wish the President had waited until we finished the border fence,” commented Border Patrol Field Commander Rachel Carmichael. “We have suspended all vacations and have all available officers on call 24/7. I have every confidence our people can rise to this crises as we have so often in past situations. If Congress is listening, it sure would be helpful if they put some money in that stimulus package for a few more border agents. We were really stressed before. Now our forces are stretched to the breaking point.”

“The type of illegal we are seeing in our sweeps in recent days has changed substantially,” reports Commander Carmichael. “We are seeing more subjects attempting to cross no man’s land in business type attire. I wish these people would learn that they are risking their lives out here. Handmade Italian Berlutti loafers and tailored Sartorio Domenico Caraceni suits are not suitable for desert survival. Dressing to impress out here can get you killed. We’ve picked up several illegals in the last week wandering in the desert with only Kopi Luwak cappuccinos for food. By the time we find them they are willing to give up their Patek Phillipe watches for a bottle of Bling H2O. It’s really sad.”

Members of The Minute Men, the self appointed vigilante border guard organization, are up in arms over the recent development. “It was hard enough harassing field hands and construction workers,” complained Rufus Stoukle, Captain in the Sam Houston brigade. “These guys in the suits are real pains in the butt cheeks. Pick one of these guys up and they start shouting orders, making demands and threatening you with lawyers. I had to pay for dry cleaning for this one guy I found. He blamed me for him being lost and for getting his fancy suit dirty. It was some really expensive outfit that could only be cleaned by a certain place in Indonesia. Or so he claimed. And I had to put him up in the Austin Four Seasons till his suit came back from the cleaners. That place ain’t cheap. Next time I’ll just let the SOB die.”


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