Robo Callers Feeling The Pinch

Candidates not sure whom to trust, voters not sure who to support

An apparent emotional glitch has led to confusion and mistrust in the final days of this election season. Robo callers, tired of repeatedly being cursed at, threatened, and hung up on, took some time off from campaigning to call each other to commiserate. Candidates, depending on the incessant interruptions of the electorate to garner support, reacted with anger and dismay at the turn of events. The robo callers however, having finally located a community they can call their very own, reportedly are feeling fulfilled and refreshed in ways they could not previously have imagined.  Robos contacted but who wish to remain nameless, and faceless,  say they plan on continuing their robo encounters. “We find its a real morale booster during this stressful season”, said a robo caller calling on condition of anonymity.

“As you might imagine, this is a very busy time for robo voices,” a robo President Clinton explained. “Some of us find it very emotionally draining so the support of our fellow robos can carry us through. It’s not an easy pseudo life when virtually everyone hates you. It reminds me of my time in office after the Monica Lewinsky thing broke. And while I have you on the line I would like to ask that you go to the polls this Tuesday and vote for the Democratic ticket for a strong tomorrow,” he added.

Dinner tables have been strangely quiet over the last several days as robo callers refrained from activity during the traditional “calling hour”. Voters, feeling ill at ease from the lull, mostly fidgeted and poked at their meals wondering when they would next have to get up to answer the phone. “Its awful quiet around here,” remarked Colonel Joanne Claston, Army – Ret. “A bit too quiet if you ask me. We can only assume the robo callers are taking some time off to regroup before their final assault. But when they start their barrage I’ll be ready for them. I’ve put together a little surprise that should knock ’em off their dialers.”  The colonel gleefully described her weapon system. “When my phone rings it automatically picks up on speakerphone. My stereo opens the counterattack blasting the phone with some AC DC overdubbed with Bee Gees. Then my pet parrot, Air Support, swoops in and joins the fray shouting “shut the fuck up, sailor boy”.  My special force cuts off their flank off with a recording from the  inside of my gastrointestinal track during a particularly bad bout with flatulence.” The colonel is, by her own admission, one of the millions of sufferers of irritable bow syndrome. “I can’t wait for the first one to call. They’ll never know what hit ’em. That’ll teach those robo bastards to interrupt me during Jeopardy.”

Early testing of the weapon system apparently caused some concern amongst the civilian population. Colonel Claston has apologized for any collateral damage that was caused when her defense force inadvertently overran a volunteer calling to raise money for a local charity. The volunteer, in satisfactory condition say hospital officials, was reportedly overwhelmed during a recent fundraising phone campaign.  “Yea, that was a bit unfortunate,” said Colonel Claston. “Sadly, these things happen in times of war. They are regrettable but are a necessary evil if we are to defeat this pernicious enemy. It’s us or them.”