GOP continues search for non heretic front-runner
Republicans continued their frantic search this week for a presidential candidate that does not belong to a heathen sect. The tension is reportedly palpable as the Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire primary quickly approach much like a high-speed commuter train racing from Tokyo to Fuji through a dark moonless Japanese night during rice harvest season when tragically, a traditional rice cart breaks a wheel while crossing the track at an unauthorized location. The only question being will the inevitable crash lead to a derailment of historic proportions or merely disperse the delicious grain to the gathering local wildlife population?
The main focus, an insider in an extreme state of agitation reports, is to find someone, anyone, that appeals to a broad swath of the party and can at least pretend to be a member of a conservative mainline Christian denomination, preferably protestant though the party faithful will take just about anybody, even a Catholic, at this point. “I’m sure Mr. Romney is a very nice man,” remarked Crystal Slandhorn of Steely Iowa. “He’s just not what we around here would call a real Christian. Just because you put Jesus Christ in the official name of your club, doesn’t make you the real deal. And that latter day saint thing? Just who the hell do these people think they are anyways?”
Several candidates have made the attempt at ascending to the front-runner status only to almost immediately crash and burn as Evil Knievel famously did at various points during his illustrious career. “It’s like that Icarus guy,” explained longtime disgruntled party member, Harlan Carlyle. “They start to get some hot air in their campaign balloons but can’t hold on to the thing. It ends up shooting round the room making fart sounds till it runs out of steam. In the end you got nothing left but some wrinkly little empty bag that nobody wants. Perry fizzled. Then Cain popped. Now its Gingrich’s turn. And what’s not to like about this guy? Other than the three wives, the ethics violations, and the long period as a lobbyist. Not to mention that he’s about as appealing as a prune’s ass. Otherwise, he’s perfect. At least he was till he started spouting perfectly reasonable immigration policy. There’s no way the party faithful will put up with that shit. WTF for Christ’s sake. Gingrich has had more wives than a Mormon. Is it so difficult to find somebody in this party that actually can live up to our ideals? Someone who’s honest, hardworking, moral. And not Mormon. The Democrats are going to have a freakin’ field day with this come general election.”
Democrats are, in fact, reportedly chomping at the bit hoping Gingrich is the candidate of Republican choice. “We want the Grinch,” declared party strategic insider Sarah Roulfson. The only question Americans will have to ask themselves is does the guy have a heart? A brain certainly, but a heart? That’s what Americans want in a candidate. Americans generally, and Republicans specifically, hate brainy guys. Who’s the guy in school that get’s picked on relentlessly. Mr. Smarty pants, that’s who. “Gin-grinch” reeks of smarts. There’s no one more east coast, amoral, Washington insider, intellectual elitist, than this guy. He’s everything Republicans claim to hate. Now they’re toying with making him their candidate? It’ll be Christmas time for us and the Grinch who lost the election for those guys. I mean come on here. He resigned from Congress under a cloud of ethics charges so he’s a quitter. He lived in France for God’s sake. France we’re talking here. Americans hate France. Its worse than living in Indonesia. He’s a god damn college professor. And a historian. What person in this country do you know that gives a rats ass for history? Wait till the college coeds start coming forward with the harassment charges. And talk about his faith journey. First a Southern Baptist and then a Catholic. Does that say waffling flip flopper or doesn’t it?”
Gingrich has always been attracted to power, people close the former Speaker, and possibly former adulterer, report. “I took one look at Pope Benedict and knew that that was the man for me,” he has been paraphrased as saying. His deepening religious faith is coincidentally occurring right in time for his run for the Republican nomination. “Elitist, highly educated, folks like myself have been driving religion out of this country for years,” the former Speaker, and presumably former ethics violator, sort of said once. “I, for one, am going to help reverse that trend by publicly decrying my former actions of sin to indicate, with extreme unction, that it is only through increased religiosity that people like myself can be kept from pulling the kind of shit we regularly try to get a way with. And I plan to frequently blame the media for raising my indiscretions. I have been able to get past them and move on. The media should take my example.”
Fun Fact: Governor Romney may have an edge in New Hampshire due to the historical connection of the Mormon church’s first prophet, Joseph Smith to the granite state. Born in Sharon, Vt. Smith’s, now shrine-like birthplace is an easy drive from New Hampshire.
Another Fun Fact: If elected president Governor Romney’s economic program includes the use of seer stones, once used by the now revered Joseph Smith to find buried treasure, to unearth sufficient booty to pay off the national debt.
And the Funnest Fact: It is unclear how the Governor reconciles his Republicanism with the views of former presidential candidate (1844) and church founder, Joseph Smith which include a belief in strong central government organized as a theocratic monarchy. The nation awaits his opinion on these issues, and many others, with bated breath.