Gates of Hell Torn Asunder

Americans feeling the heat, unable to find the exit from the nation’s kitchen

An artist's conception of the opening of the Gates of Hell. The photo on which the image is based burst into flames upon exposure to our holy atmosphere. Any resemblance to Dorothy's encounter with the Wizard is purely coincidental.

The nation continues to be held in the hot, sweaty, extremely uncomfortable grip of a heat wave that just won’t seem to quit. Climatologists point, once again, to global warming as the most likely cause. Particularly annoying is the “We told you so” look on their faces as they do their pointing.

Others, such as the well known climate expert and purveyor of hot wind, Rush Limbaugh, counter, “Not so fast you steaming pile of liberal horse manure. My research indicates that the real underlying cause of this heat wave is a major breach in the security system that has thus far, kept hell and its minions at bay. It’s only a matter of time until the temperature is hot enough to alter the planet’s climate. When that happens, the high temperature conditions will make it safe for hell’s invaders. Then we’ll see who told who so.” (Ship In the Night apologizes for the poor grammar of Mr. Limbaugh – Is it really that hard to say whom?)

A team of Hellologists that has been dispatched from the Department of Satanic Studies of the Rush Limbaugh Institute for Knowledge Furtherance is making its way towards the gate. The team hopes to gather data that will eventually lead to the closure of the gate.

Mr. Limbaugh describes, without even breaking a sweat, to a rapt radio audience just how he would handle Satan if the Prince of darkness calls into his show.

Team leader Warren, Hellman, Ruytin addressed the department immediately prior to the team’s departure. “We don’t know if we’ll make it back. It’s pretty darn hot down there. We do this for America. And for Rush. God I love that man. I know that while he watches over us from his luxurious air conditioned sound booth, he will continue to tell the world the truth about so-called global warming. People have called him crazy, unbalanced, a demagogue. Sure he’s all those things but he’s so much more. Rush is one of the only ones who is able to see through this climate change ruse. Like one of the saints of old caught in a state of ecstatic delusion, he can see things we mortals just can’t. My dream is to bring back a sample from the devil himself and vindicate our great leader once and for all.”

While the team makes its way to the crises site, the nation impatiently awaits for a resolution. People everywhere are finding it difficult to cope with the strain. “I sure can’t get any work done,” commented energy analyst Sean Sholpy. “It’s just too freakin’ hot. All I want to do is sit in a pool and write on my blog all day. Don’t have energy for anything else, really. Who does? I wished they’d hurry up and close those gates. I’ve got a butt load of analyzing to get done and now I’m way behind schedule. Good thing Rush is on the job. If we wait for the government to do something we’ll all be little puddles of sweat before it’s over. Damn government can’t do anything right. I don’t know why we even have a government. Just a big waste of my money. Cut the damn taxes that’s what I say. That’ll get those gates closed and drive Satan back into his hole.”